Pursuing Life
Life Matters Blog - June 2024
By Casandra Orsburn
As I recover from the busyness of May and all the end-of-the-year activities, I settle into the more relaxed, heaven-sent rest that is summer. I have just completed my second year of teaching at Runnels Classical Christian Academy, and the anticipation for the three months of unstructured time is absolute bliss. I have often wondered why I did not pursue this career path so much sooner. It certainly makes all of the planning and early mornings and late nights throughout the school year worth it!
Now if you’re not in education, please don’t write this off. I promise this blog is not to rub my extended vacation in anyone’s face. This season has taught me a very important lesson, as God loves to do within my struggles.
As I wrapped up two graduations this May, the unfilled calendar for the next three months had been taunting me with the question: what will we do next? My initial response is to book as many vacations as we can afford, take as many day trips as possible, clean out every square inch of the overlooked nooks and crannies of my home, and try to fit in some “me-time”. And on the surface that looks and sounds great. I mean, we only have so much time, right? We need to make the most of it.
But as often happens, I felt a check in my spirit as I opened my calendar and rushed to make all the reservations. Over the school year, I had begun to feel like there were not enough hours in the day. Instead of a joy to begin each morning, I found myself wanting to hit the snooze button. I told myself that this was my daughter’s senior year and I should be enjoying these moments and taking it all in. But even as we were blessed to go on an amazing trip this Spring Break, I felt as though my heart was unable to fully enjoy and appreciate the little things. There was a heaviness, a burden in my spirit, and even though I knew that I needed to be spending time with the Lord, my first response was to look at it as one more thing to add to my to-do list.
If I’m being honest, as I always try to be, I felt very distant from God. That is a hard confession to make when you work at a Christian school and teach students about the Lord. But we’ve had a difficult year for our family. We had a lot of financial challenges hit at once. We had some medical scares. There were some questions about what our next year might look like and we had to place a lot of things in the Lord’s hands while trying to make the best decisions we could. And while I knew that God was good, I still felt as though I couldn’t rest at his feet. There was too much to do.
I had read The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis in one of my classes at the end of the year. It was obvious that one of the enemy’s greatest tools in his arsenal for spiritual warfare, was the weapon of distraction. I knew that that is exactly what I had been dealing with. I had been distracted by the busyness of life. I was wrapped up in the things I wanted to control and many things I knew I couldn’t, but was worrying over them. And here I was, about to start a season of rest and instead, I was looking at piling up my calendar with more and more distractions and things to do.
I forced myself to pause. I knew that I couldn’t go into another school year without the presence of the Lord walking with me. I didn’t want to go another week. I needed him. Where had he gone? I began to make myself search the scriptures again in the morning, a routine that used to bring me such joy and now felt almost like a chore. Why had I let myself get so far? I pushed through it, and little by little, the light began to break through once again. I felt the numbness give way to life. I began to feel warmth and hope and joy.
I am embarrassed to admit that this pattern of closeness and distance with me and God has continued for more years than I’d care to count. It seems that it gets harder to bring myself back to a position of seeking him each time I allow the distance to grow. When we think of the prodigal son, we imagine the child who walked away for the first time. What I have discovered is that God is just as excited when the child comes home for the 50th time as he is for the first. His arms are always wide open. And what a relief it is to rest in them.
So, I want to encourage you, if you’ve experienced the numbness that comes from a season of just getting through it, if you’ve been trying to hold everything together and you’ve been trying to walk this thing out, only to realize that you aren’t anywhere close to where you need to be, then come back. Come back to the Father that loves you and wants nothing more than to have a relationship with you. The things you are carrying are often not things that he has given you. Are you trying to do it all yourself? Have you told yourself that if you just do these few more things, if you can just add these couple of extra steps to your routine, then you’ll be happy, then your life will be more on track? The enemy wants to keep you busy, tired, stressed. He wants to keep you reminded of your shortcomings. But Jesus had an answer for that. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matt. 11:28-30). His arms are open. I promise that as you seek him, place him first, he will help you to prioritize everything else. You don’t need to carry it all yourself. Pursue life. He is Life. Life abundant.
You Are Loved!